Source: magazines.ivillage.com/redbook

For most men, the 30s begin a new era, with the focus turned increasingly toward career- and home-building, and away from perfecting those little bachelor-party-napkin hats. Personally, I leaped into my 30s with both feet: Between 29 and 31, I took an upwardly mobile job, bought a house in the suburbs with my wife, and had a beautiful little girl. It's a big change, and yet despite all our guy-to-guy jesting about settling down, the transition is rarely lethal. "It's sort of a relief to settle in for the long haul," suggests Michael Jolkovski, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at the Winter Hill Psychotherapy and Consultation Center in Falls Church, Va. "There's a mellowing that occurs as the 20s wind down: Things that sounded grim and dull -- like getting some ambition, building a relationship, thinking about kids -- start to have their own kind of satisfaction."

But working overtime and painting your fixer-upper house on weekends can be physically draining, and sex often gets dropped from the schedule. "It's a lot less frequent, and you have to do it by appointment," declares Robert, 39. "You're too exhausted, or the kids are driving you nuts, or one of you has to work late and the other has to get up early. All the planets have to be aligned for one glorious moment if anything's going to happen in bed. My wife and I have sex more or less every time Halley's comet comes around."

In this frenetic phase of a man's life, carving out time for languorous eroticism is rarely high on the agenda (no offense), and sex takes on a more pragmatic function. "Very often, it's used for stress relief," says Hillyer, which is fine if your sexual rhythms are both ticking to the same clock. But what if you want sex more often than he does? Well, appointment sex -- you and me in the sunroom at 8 P.M., BYOB -- is an efficient way to work in some romance. The only catch: The busier he is, the less romantic another "appointment" will seem. (Plus, you might get bumped.) So don't expect him to shift gears on a dime: If you jump right into romance he's likely to feel pressured, maybe even guilty for neglecting your needs. Instead, find a nonsexual way to bridge the gulf between his workday and a relaxing evening of nookie. Massage is one strategy (not the naked hot-oil kind -- a neck rub is fine). Vegging out to TV is another. Bottom line: Break down his stress, and he'll be much more responsive and enthusiastic.

After all, given the level of preoccupation at this stage of a man's life, sex can serve as a powerful way to reconnect with his wife, a quick reassurance that the relationship is still strong despite the slipshod maintenance. "We'd get so we were barely speaking to one another," says Alan, 35. "Then we'd have this wild, grunting gorilla sex, and we could suddenly laugh about it all. We'd say, God, that was fantastic -- why don't we make this more of a priority?"

But even for schedule-conscious guys, quickies alone won't do it. What men in this stage desperately need is a total escape from both work and the pressures of home, and a wild night of passion can do the trick like nothing else. So once a month or so, dust off the lingerie and fire up the candles. "This is a good time for a woman to be wild and crazy," says Hillyer. "A woman needs to remind her man that she's more than a mom and a wife, that she's a woman, too."

But don't stop with candles and a babysitter. Try new positions, props, and attitude, even if you were strictly man-on-top vanilla before. Odds are he'll be thrilled, since breaking old habits helps take this event out of the realm of the ordinary and gives your husband more of a fantasy experience. Also, men harbor a great nostalgic ache for their wild bachelor youths, and a little sexual variation on your part can partially stimulate that unfettered single state he's convinced himself he remembers.

The upside to his likely preoccupation is that he may not be so quick on the trigger, which will free you to experiment with expanding your foreplay to include whole-body involvement. Remember, the key is to break him out of his work daydream, so sink him in the fantasy of the experience with subtle perfume, deep kisses, roaming hands.

You should also seize this opportunity to really define yourself as an erotic being: Slip into some sexy lingerie, turn down the lights, pour him a glass of wine, and ... show him what's on your mind. "Women get into that mind-set of 'he should love me no matter what,' but that doesn't mean he's going to be turned on," says Hillyer. To make sure you continue to hit all his buttons, once in awhile you've got to be a little obvious.